Lyrics = Life

It's time to pack my bags
and never look back
run a parallel line with the railroad tracks
and make my getaway.
I'll put the pedal to the metal
As the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town
And at the break of day,
I'll be a runaway.

**********************

I feel like I'm a million miles away
from myself more and more these days
ive been down so many open roads
but they never lead me home
and now I just don't know
Who I really am
How it's gonna be
Is there something that I can't see?
I wanna understand...
And I don't wanna wait too long,
to find out where im meant to belong
ive always wanted to be where I am today
But I never thought I'd feel this way.

*********************

No narrative needed today. The above covers it pretty well.

The day after the fairytale

"Can you feel this magic in the air?" - Taylor Swift

The fairytale was my own personal version. Most (ok, probably all) other girls wouldn't consider last night a fairytale. But it was definitely magical...

Sitting in a comfy chair at the mall and then looking up to see my best friend walking towards me with the biggest smile on his face is the most gratifying feeling in the world. Our hug in the middle of the mall lasted for a solid minute. We walked aimlessly throughout the mall, not caring about where we were going, he just wanted to know everything about my interview earlier that afternoon. And I told him everything. After walking for a little, we decided it was time to get food, and in particular a steak! So, off to Outback we went.

We both love that place. We have many memories there as well. Anyways, the food was great. as always, but the company and conversation was amazing. We talked about so many things, it would take me until tomorrow to type it all. Laughing, joking, a lot of staring. We have to take good mental pictures of each others face to last us until the next time we see each other, which usually is at least 2 months, if not more. The kicker of our dinner experience happened when the waitress came and gave us our check and said the following word for word: "You guys seem so into each other. How long have you been dating?" Jim looked at me and smiled and said, "Darlin you wanna take this one?" So, I explained to the waitress that we were just friends. That we had dated for 2 1/2 years but I moved to Greenville and now I'm just here visiting him. The waitress was taken aback. She said "Wow, my fault for assuming. But just for the record, you two are so cute together."

Then, Jim took me to Ganache, which is our favorite bakery. The most amazing cakes ever. Not to mention all the lights are dimmed inside and there's a lit candle in the middle of each table. It's a very intimate setting. We ate delicious desserts and hot chocolate and talked a whole lot more. Through out the whole evening Jim kept saying how beautiful I looked and how grateful he was that I was there. Since we broke up he hasn't made one move on me. He truly respects me. He still holds my hand at dinners but it's more of a sign that shows me he's always going to be there for me.

At the end of the night in his truck, he gave me something. I'm not going to say what it is, but I started crying right away. I said thank you a million times and we kept hugging. Nobody (besides my parents) looks out for me the way Jim does. I am so blessed to have met him and have him in my life. And I know he feels the same way. He's the peanut butter to my jelly. No matter what anyone thinks, we have a bond that will last a lifetime.

"Life with you makes perfect sense. You're my best friend" - Tim McGraw

The Hallmark Holiday

As I type this entry, I am eating valentine's day chocolates that I bought yesterday for myself at a very cheap price. Every V-day that I'm alone, I always buys myself a nice box of chocolates. I haven't done that in a few years since I was with Jim, but alas the tradition resurfaced yesterday. I learned while in rehab that when you feel down to do something that makes you feel special. Now that concept might seem pretty simple, but you would be surprised how many people do not treat themselves every so often. It's become a way of life for me over the past 7 years:

* I got through a really tough week, I'm gonna rent a sappy movie and eat lots of popcorn.
* I got an A on the biggest project of the semester, I'm gonna buy a new CD that I've wanted for a long time.

Sometimes NO money is involved:

*I worked my butt off all weekend, I'm going to take a Sunday afternoon nap.

This coping strategy has worked wonders with me and all my treatment buddies. Even if there is NO time to reward myself, I do it anyways. Why not? I earned it. Yes, it's nice to have someone take you out to dinner or buy you flowers, but there is a different kind of satisfaction you feel when you purposely reward yourself. No matter how small, it does its job. So thats why on a day like Valentine's Day when everyone is showing their loved ones how much they mean to them, I buy myself a box of chocolates. It's a sign of self-love. Even though I don't always have an abundance of it, I do it anyway. Fake it till you make it.

On Sunday, I did think about Jim a lot. The last 2 Valentine's Day we shared were pretty amazing. I sort-of relived them in my head on Sunday. It made me feel better actually. I know that sounds weird, but basking in the happiness that surrounded those days put a smile on my face. And literally, in the middle of my trip down memory lane, Jim texted me to make sure I was doing ok. And by ok he meant, trying to have a good day and not being sad. What can I say he knows me too damn well! Ha.

All in all, I had a good V-day weekend. I spent Saturday night with some great girls. We ate dinner at Chicos, went to see the movie Valentine's Day (which, by the way, I loved), and then ended up sharing cookie skillets at East Coast Wings. Like I said, not bad :)

Now that the Hallmark Holiday has passed, I am looking forward to March. March has a few days in there that are pretty special to me. St. Patrick's Day has taken on a whole new meaning since 2007. While most people are getting wasted, I think about how *LUCKY* I am to have such an amazing guy in my life, together or not, since that is the day we met.

Oh and did I mention I'm seeing Jim in 2 days? Who knows what kind of stories I'll have when I return to Greenville on Friday :)

Present day madness

Now that you all know I am not in grad school any longer, what am I up to these days you must be wondering? Well, a whole lotta nothing. Actually, that's not technically true. Over Christmas and after New Years I filled and sent out A LOT of applications for all kinds of jobs pretty much anywhere I'd be interested in living. I'm not being picky about where the job is, I just NEED one. For the last 2 months I've been living off savings. It frustrates me because that money was supposed to be used for furniture when I moved into a nice NON-student apartment and to start paying off my private student loans. Well, not anymore.

If I'm being honest, I am seriously running out of money. I won't take anything from my parents. They say I'm being stubborn. I'm not, I just don't want their money. I'm 23, I shouldn't need their money. I'm not like almost every other young adult out there who mommy and daddy pay their rent or buy them their food or whatever else. I am in MAJOR debt from not only going to college out of state for 5 years, but for including monthly rent for 2 years in those loans. My parents couldn't have paid my rent if they wanted to. They were/are very tight. My dad works 3 jobs and my mom works full time even though she has Fiber Myalga. Even with all 4 incomes, my parents struggle to get by. They have A LOT of medical bills (i.e. my brother, and my mom) Anyways, I will borrow some money from my parents IF absolutely necessary. Until then I will sacrifice most of my social life to keep as much money in my accounts as possible.

Like I said, I've sent out a lot of applications. I had an interview in Kinston 3 weeks ago, but alas, I didn't hear back from them. Strike 1. I have 2 more interviews coming up this week: one in Kinston (a different place and a different position) and one in Butner (just north of Raleigh). I'm really REALLY hoping one of those works out. I would do anything for a job. If I have to move across the state, I will, just please God grant me a job!

Besides searching for a job, I'm trying to keep myself busy. As busy as one can be without spending money, or as little as possible. I've been going to the gym at least 4 times a week and it's GREAT. I admit I used to be a weakling (Jim would agree), but since October (well besides the holidays) I've been pretty consistent with working out and I am seeing results. Maybe not in the looks department, but definitely in the strength department. I feel like I could throw a decent punch if I had to! Ha. Other than the gym, I do quite a bit of reading. I've always been a big reader, and with all the time on my hands these days, I've been able to enjoy that hobby. And then every once in awhile I spend time with my friend Melissa, the only friend I really have here in Greenville. She is a 2nd year in the MFT program and was my mentor for the program as well. She's a great girl. We have a lot in common. We think the same way as well. I'm really blessed to have her in my life. Without her, I would never get out of my apt.

I talk on the phone often with my parents and with Jim. Phone time with Jim always brightens my day. We miss each other. He tells me almost every time we talk that as soon as work lets up he wants to see me. He keeps me up to date on everything going on with him. I know for the last 2 months he has had only 3 days off. He's working crazy long days. Like he worked all last night and slept during the day today. I don't know how he stays sane. Well, he says I help him with that :) He is really the most dedicated, hard working young man I have ever known. I remember during the first 6 months of our relationship he was working 70 hours a week and he still made time to see me and do stuff with me. Also, currently, he still makes time for 30 even 60 minute phone calls to me, even though he has worked 150 hours in 2 weeks. I miss him. And I don't think that will ever change.

So, pray for me about getting a job and that I keep my sanity here almost alone in Greenville. I appreciate it.

An outsider? Maybe. A quitter? Never.

So, a few days ago, I began with a story about my first love. Tonight, I'll end this post talking about my determined spirt. Just bare with me...

As you know, I am in Greenville. But what you don't know is that I am no longer in grad school here. Remember how I mentioned I was terrified to move, but especially away from Jim? Well, my first semester as a grad student started off well. As the days and weeks went by I started to feel...lonely, yes, very very lonely. I honestly didn't feel a huge connection with anyone in my cohort. Some of these classmates have told me since then that I didn't reach out, that I didn't try to let people in, that I didn't make a good effort in getting to know people. For those who don't know really know me, that would be an accurate statement. But they're wrong. I did make an effort a few times, and those times were enough to tell me that I wouldn't be ok getting close to them. I know that's a bold statement to make, but it's true. There are just some people you meet that you KNOW you're going to bond with. I didn't feel that with any of them. Example:

We were on our way home from Busch Gardens and it was late and we stopped by a resturant to eat. It was only 2 or 3 weeks into the semester, but I was really struggling with being away from Jim. I ended up crying at our table and the classmates that were there with me asked what was wrong and I told them. You ever have those moments where you tell some people something really intimate and by the look on their face you wish you could take it all back? That's exactly how I felt in that moment. Their words were trying to comfort me, but the looks I received said otherwise. From that moment on, I became more reserved with how I approached my cohort.

It's not because they were new people. I have been in plenty of therapists' offices and shared a good deal of private information within the first 15 min and felt completely at ease. The newness of talking to essentially complete strangers doesn't phase me. My classmates facial expressions and demeanours when they were around me are what pushed me away. Closing in on the holidays, I didn't feel welcome. I felt like an outsider. I missed Jim and all my Greensboro friends so much. I wanted out. I started struggling to do my work. I couldn't focus. I was beginning to fall apart.

During all of these cohort issues, I was also having family problems. My brother was beat up and put in the hospital with a broken nose and black and blue eyes. My dad was having major depression/suicide issues. A friend I went to treatment with passed away. I had no insurance, so when my medicine ran out, I began having withdrawal symtpoms. And from then on, I just wanted to give up.

I know what my classmates were saying about me. A few of them asked me how I was doing, but most of them talked about me when I wasn't around. Now tell me, why would I want to open up to them? You just proved why I became reserved in the first place. They're good people, but I didn't belong in the same class as them. I never once felt like I was wanted there. The power of wanting to "belong" is very strong and influential. When one feels like they belong, everything about that person begins to grow, they begin to thrive, they begin to blossom. However, when this "belonging" is not occuring, it does just the opposite. I had no motivation to be the student I could be. I felt like a white egg in a colored egg basket. Everyone else was finding their way and making connections, while I began to drown. It's not my cohort's fault, my professors, or anyone's fault for that matter. It just wasn't meant to be.

After a semester filled with tragedies and many obstacles, I met with all my professors to fully explain what was going on and to ask for a chance to redeem myself. I asked to finish my work over Christmas break including a few weeks of missed assistantships hours and to go ahead with the spring semester. They said I could make up my work and hours, but I couldn't return to the program until the fall. They forbid me basically from taking classes in the spring. They didn't think I was "ready" to see clients due to my "state of mind". I knew at that moment, this whole experience at this school with these people was not what was meant to be. My professors just confirmed that.

At first, I was really upset, and confused, but as the days and weeks went by, I felt like there was something else out there for me. I don't know when it will come or how much stress and worrying I'll go through, but I'm going to do great things. As Jim told me, I have too big of a heart not to make a difference in this world. He's right. I've been through so much in my life. I'm a fighter. And one day I'm going to influence other people to be fighters who may feel like the world just fell from under them.

It's always good to start somewhere

Hello everyone. So, I used to have a blog for about 3 years before I moved to North Carolina. Writing has always been comforting and therapeutic for me. However, I do not like being told exactly what I have to write. I like writing whatever comes to me at the present moment. Yes, I don't know how I made it through college. Anyways, I've had a lot of time on my hands for quite awhile and what better way to fill it then to do something constructive.

Some things you need to know about me: I'm a girly-girl, except when it comes to food and football. I worry, a lot. I've only been in love once in my life. I'm a handful. I'm not afraid of my emotions. I like to talk. I like to listen. My life goal is to help people. I'm a yankee, turned southerner. I stutter when I get really excited. I'm one person who doesn't miss home. You wouldn't recognize me now if you knew me 7 years ago. I'm an eating disorder survivor. Most of all, I'm me, and I want to be somebody.

Now that all the basics are out of the way, it's time to get down to the good stuff. Rewind 7 months:

I'm about to move from Greensboro, where I spent the last 3 years of my life, to Greenville, where I'm going to spend the next 2 years of my life. I'm leaving to pursue my dream of being a therapist. I'm going to one of the best programs in the country. I'm terrified. Another new city, new school, new apartment, and new people. The scariest thing of all though: Moving away from my first (and only) love....

Rewind 3 years from Feb 2010:

I was in a relationship that was going absolutely nowhere. I was miserable. I cried all the time. I got terrible grades. I partied a lot. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months in March, the following month. 2 weeks later on St. Patricks Day, I met a guy, who little did I know, would become not only my best friend, but the only man I've ever loved. His name's Jim. From March 2007 until present day, we have something that no one will be able to take away.

Now, I'm not saying it was perfect. The only "problem" we had came in the summer of 2008, after a year and a half of dating. I worked full time at a summer camp and I only had one day off a week, which was Saturday. At first we spent every Saturday together and talked every night after lights-out at camp. In July, he became withdrawn and sort-of cold towards me. He went a week without calling/texting me and I became scared. Really scared. I thought to myself "What did I do or say to mess this up"? He wasn't returning my phone calls. And I was trapped at camp. Anyways, to make a long story short, it eventually came out that he took a girl on a few dates and slept with her during the 2 weeks he wouldn't return my calls. I cried, as to be expected, and he said the things that you would expect a man to say who cheated: "I'm sorry, it was a mistake, it didn't mean anything, i regret it, i just missed you, etc etc" He asked for a second chance. I thought long and hard about it. I gave him a second chance. And I am so glad I did.

For the next year and a half he did as he promised: he was going to make up for his mistake. That time we spent together was so far beyond amazing. Besides the usual cooking dinners, movie dates, and such, we went to Los Angeles, CA together for 4 days. It was spectacular. Out on the beaches of Santa Monica, he made a promise to me: that he would always be there for me, no matter where in the country I ventured off to.

Now back to August 2009. Moving away from Greensboro to Greenville. Call it what you want, but I had a gut feeling that Jim and I in the near future would move from being boyfriend and girlfriend to flat out best friends. 185 miles seperated us and while oceans have seperated some couples, he and I both knew with our choatic schedules that we would see each other only a few times a year. So, it should have come as no surprise when in November he called to tell me he had went on several dates with a girl. However, the news broke me down. My first love was moving on. It couldn't be real. The man I spent the last 32 months with was dating again. Like I said, I knew it was coming, but I guess you can never really prepare for that moment.

So, present day, Feb 2010, what is the status of Jim and I? Best friends. Since our break up, we talk every day. I mean, not just surface stuff like the weather. We have long talks about life. Where we wanna go, what we want to accomplish, how to get there, who we want along for the ride. In 5 of our talks in the last few months, him and I have cried together. He said something to me that has really stuck with me: "I will always be here for you Leah, day or night. Even through future girlfriends and boyfriends, no one will ever take your place. I promise you". And I believe him. Some people don't understand how one can stay so close to their ex, and all I have to say about that is "I can't explain it. But it's the way it was meant to be. There is no awkwardness or tension. In fact, our bond has grown since the break up. You might not understand, and that's ok. Because we do, and we're the only two that need to."

I am getting quite tired so I will end here for tonight. Good night world <3