An outsider? Maybe. A quitter? Never.

So, a few days ago, I began with a story about my first love. Tonight, I'll end this post talking about my determined spirt. Just bare with me...

As you know, I am in Greenville. But what you don't know is that I am no longer in grad school here. Remember how I mentioned I was terrified to move, but especially away from Jim? Well, my first semester as a grad student started off well. As the days and weeks went by I started to feel...lonely, yes, very very lonely. I honestly didn't feel a huge connection with anyone in my cohort. Some of these classmates have told me since then that I didn't reach out, that I didn't try to let people in, that I didn't make a good effort in getting to know people. For those who don't know really know me, that would be an accurate statement. But they're wrong. I did make an effort a few times, and those times were enough to tell me that I wouldn't be ok getting close to them. I know that's a bold statement to make, but it's true. There are just some people you meet that you KNOW you're going to bond with. I didn't feel that with any of them. Example:

We were on our way home from Busch Gardens and it was late and we stopped by a resturant to eat. It was only 2 or 3 weeks into the semester, but I was really struggling with being away from Jim. I ended up crying at our table and the classmates that were there with me asked what was wrong and I told them. You ever have those moments where you tell some people something really intimate and by the look on their face you wish you could take it all back? That's exactly how I felt in that moment. Their words were trying to comfort me, but the looks I received said otherwise. From that moment on, I became more reserved with how I approached my cohort.

It's not because they were new people. I have been in plenty of therapists' offices and shared a good deal of private information within the first 15 min and felt completely at ease. The newness of talking to essentially complete strangers doesn't phase me. My classmates facial expressions and demeanours when they were around me are what pushed me away. Closing in on the holidays, I didn't feel welcome. I felt like an outsider. I missed Jim and all my Greensboro friends so much. I wanted out. I started struggling to do my work. I couldn't focus. I was beginning to fall apart.

During all of these cohort issues, I was also having family problems. My brother was beat up and put in the hospital with a broken nose and black and blue eyes. My dad was having major depression/suicide issues. A friend I went to treatment with passed away. I had no insurance, so when my medicine ran out, I began having withdrawal symtpoms. And from then on, I just wanted to give up.

I know what my classmates were saying about me. A few of them asked me how I was doing, but most of them talked about me when I wasn't around. Now tell me, why would I want to open up to them? You just proved why I became reserved in the first place. They're good people, but I didn't belong in the same class as them. I never once felt like I was wanted there. The power of wanting to "belong" is very strong and influential. When one feels like they belong, everything about that person begins to grow, they begin to thrive, they begin to blossom. However, when this "belonging" is not occuring, it does just the opposite. I had no motivation to be the student I could be. I felt like a white egg in a colored egg basket. Everyone else was finding their way and making connections, while I began to drown. It's not my cohort's fault, my professors, or anyone's fault for that matter. It just wasn't meant to be.

After a semester filled with tragedies and many obstacles, I met with all my professors to fully explain what was going on and to ask for a chance to redeem myself. I asked to finish my work over Christmas break including a few weeks of missed assistantships hours and to go ahead with the spring semester. They said I could make up my work and hours, but I couldn't return to the program until the fall. They forbid me basically from taking classes in the spring. They didn't think I was "ready" to see clients due to my "state of mind". I knew at that moment, this whole experience at this school with these people was not what was meant to be. My professors just confirmed that.

At first, I was really upset, and confused, but as the days and weeks went by, I felt like there was something else out there for me. I don't know when it will come or how much stress and worrying I'll go through, but I'm going to do great things. As Jim told me, I have too big of a heart not to make a difference in this world. He's right. I've been through so much in my life. I'm a fighter. And one day I'm going to influence other people to be fighters who may feel like the world just fell from under them.