As the title says, these past 2 weeks have been filled with a wide variety of emotions. I'll start on the family front...
I found out late last week that my dad did not get the prison job in Raleigh. He made like 6 trips down to Raleigh for this job, but after all that, the verdict wasn't good. It was because of the results of his psych evaluation. My dad has had some hospital visits within the last 2 years for mental health reasons and they decided basically that he wasn't "stable" for the job in the department. The thing is my dad is still working at the prison in PA, and he has for 25 years. Although he's had his bad days, he is such a hardworker and has been able to maintain his job through everything. But obviously, God has other plans for him. So, he's back to square one applying for jobs. He's very very discouraged and I find myself worrying about him because I know what he does when he feels like this. So I pray that God will watch over him and I remind him to stay strong and keep pushing through.
The couple that was going to put an offer on the house backed out at the last minute so after 7 months of being on the market, they're have been no offers. It seems like someone doesn't want my parents to move down here. Its so frustrating for me. We have a beautiful house and my dad is a great man and employee and I feel like they deserve to be able to get what they want. They sacrficed a lot over the years and they really want to be in NC living near me. Every oppurtunity is getting shot down though. I don't know.
Work has continued to be stressful. The medical issues with my client will not be going away any time soon, in fact, every day gets a little worse. My job has turned more into making her comfortable instead of having her progress. If I could make her medical issues go away, I would, but I can't, so I'm doing my best to comfort her.
After all the stress and worries the last month or so, I was due for a get away. I went to Carolina Beach for 3 days this past weekend with Molly. We stayed at Ken's place. It was seriously one of the best weekends I've had in a very long time. We did so many fun, relaxing things and it just felt amazing to see the ocean. It was also nice to spend some quality time with Molly. We have a lot more in common then I ever realized. She doesn't know it yet, but I plan on going to Raleigh a few times to go out and enjoy singledom together. But like I said, amazing weekend!
Yesterday while at work, Jim texted me and said he was coming to see me after work. I was SO excited! It's only been 3 weeks since his last visit, but I was so ready to see him. We got taco bell to eat and Coldstone icecream again. The rest of the time we just talked. It was our normal heart-to-heart conversations. He spent the night because by the time we stopped talking it was after midnight. There's some things going on with him, but for now he said it's our little secret, not even his mom knows. I love being the best friend :)
So, like I said the last 2 weeks have been filled with disappointment, frustration, worry, stress, happiness, relaxation, and excitement.
Until next time.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Lonliness with some sadness
Well, first off: Today is Jim's 24th birthday and I wish I was in Gboro celebrating it with him and his buddies instead of being stuck here in Greenville. Oh well.
The 4th of July holiday weekend had quite an array of emotions for me. On Saturday I ended up going to a friend of a friend's apartment in Raleigh to celebrate. It was really fun in the beginning: Really good food, fun conversation, and just hanging out. Slip n Slide was awesome and even though I'm still very bruised and all scratched up from it, I would do it again. As the evening wore on though, more and more people were piling into the apartment. People I obviously didn't know and people that I ended up not liking. Most of them were guys and once they got really drunk, they became really rude. The night turned into a house drinking party from back in my way early college years. I didn't like it. By midnight I wanted to sleep, because not only had I consumed more alcohol then I usually do, I don't stay awake past 10-10:30 anymore. I slept for a few hours, but was awaken by drunk people busting into the bedroom I was sleeping in and they turned on the lights. I couldn't go back to sleep after that, so I went back into the living room. It was 3:30 am and still a crap load of people there and they were still drinking. I honestly started to get irritated and pissed off because if I would have known that it was going to basically be a frat party by the end of the night, I wouldn't have went. I left at 4am for Greenville because I knew if I wanted to get good sleep I would have to go home. Anyways......
Sunday and Monday I did practically nothing. I went to the pool for a few hours, got some of my tan back, and just basically relaxed. However, on Sunday I kept seeing everyone's FB statuses about being at cookouts with family and I started to feel really sad and a little lonely. Its been 4 years since I've been able to celebrate holidays and birthdays with my family. The only holiday I'm with them is Christmas. I can honestly say that I really miss my parents and just being able to spend special occasions with them. What makes it worse is that I hardly have any friends here in Greenville to counteract the sadness I feel about being away from my parents. In Gboro, I wasn't so depressed about that because I had great friends and a great boyfriend. Here, I hardly ever go out. So day in and day out, I become sad. I cried myself to sleep last night. That's never fun. Greenville is not where I belong. I can't believe I have to spend another year here. Hopefully my parents will be down in Raleigh in a few months and I can travel to see them on the weekends.
So, that was my holiday weekend. More to come later.
The 4th of July holiday weekend had quite an array of emotions for me. On Saturday I ended up going to a friend of a friend's apartment in Raleigh to celebrate. It was really fun in the beginning: Really good food, fun conversation, and just hanging out. Slip n Slide was awesome and even though I'm still very bruised and all scratched up from it, I would do it again. As the evening wore on though, more and more people were piling into the apartment. People I obviously didn't know and people that I ended up not liking. Most of them were guys and once they got really drunk, they became really rude. The night turned into a house drinking party from back in my way early college years. I didn't like it. By midnight I wanted to sleep, because not only had I consumed more alcohol then I usually do, I don't stay awake past 10-10:30 anymore. I slept for a few hours, but was awaken by drunk people busting into the bedroom I was sleeping in and they turned on the lights. I couldn't go back to sleep after that, so I went back into the living room. It was 3:30 am and still a crap load of people there and they were still drinking. I honestly started to get irritated and pissed off because if I would have known that it was going to basically be a frat party by the end of the night, I wouldn't have went. I left at 4am for Greenville because I knew if I wanted to get good sleep I would have to go home. Anyways......
Sunday and Monday I did practically nothing. I went to the pool for a few hours, got some of my tan back, and just basically relaxed. However, on Sunday I kept seeing everyone's FB statuses about being at cookouts with family and I started to feel really sad and a little lonely. Its been 4 years since I've been able to celebrate holidays and birthdays with my family. The only holiday I'm with them is Christmas. I can honestly say that I really miss my parents and just being able to spend special occasions with them. What makes it worse is that I hardly have any friends here in Greenville to counteract the sadness I feel about being away from my parents. In Gboro, I wasn't so depressed about that because I had great friends and a great boyfriend. Here, I hardly ever go out. So day in and day out, I become sad. I cried myself to sleep last night. That's never fun. Greenville is not where I belong. I can't believe I have to spend another year here. Hopefully my parents will be down in Raleigh in a few months and I can travel to see them on the weekends.
So, that was my holiday weekend. More to come later.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Last 2 weeks
The last 2 weeks have been crazy busy for 90% of it. I have been working 50 hour weeks, which is great because I have money to pay all my bills and to go do some social life things. However, I am getting worn out. Yesterday started my 3rd week doing 50 hours. I have all of July and all of August to get through before my weeks go back to 30 hours.
My client is going through some pretty tough medical issues and I guess that's why I am so worn out. She's not the same girl I started working with at the beginning of May. I feel really bad for her. It's really hard for her to enjoy anything anymore, and that rubs off on me a little while at work. I'm good though. I feel like my client's parents and I are developing a great professional relationship. Their animals even treat me like family, haha.
Besides work, I've had a few blog worthy social life events to mention. I had 2 dates with a guy named James. And thats as far as we got. I didn't want to continue because of several reasons. He really seemed like my type of guy. He's country, listens to all country music, we love the same tv shows, he works manual labor in the air force (I LOVE guys who work with their hands, instead of sitting at a desk all day. Give me calloused hands any day!), and is just one of those good ol southern boys that I fall for. Things seemed to be going good, but during dinner at Pf Changs he started asking all these sexual questions that I thought was way inappropriate for a second date (If I've ever been to an adult store and what I purchased there, stuff like that). After our date, 2 days later on FB he IM'ed me and we were just having regular conversation when he said he was really horny and wanted to know if I could help fix that problem for him. He went into way too much detail saying that he hadn't got any in so long (6 months) and doing it himself didn't work anymore. HELLOOOOO, wtf?? Not only did I not need to know that, how DARE you ask me to fix your horny problem! Red flag right there. So, no more communication with him. Honestly, with the guys I've been on dates with the last few months, I am just better off single. I'm not a girl who needs to be in a relationship to feel good about herself or to feel loved and wanted.
The last thing to mention is that Jim came to visit me this past Saturday. It was amazing, as always. It had been way too long (almost 4 months) since we last saw each other. Jim is the type of best friend I could go a year without seeing and when we get together it's like we were never apart. We had an eventful day. Lunch and great conversation at McAlister's, laying out in the sun and playing/goofing off in the pool for a few hours, drinking our favorite beer while looking up crazy you tube videos (which is our trademark, haha), his early birthday dinner at Atavola (my treat, since it was his b-day gift) and finished up with Cold Stone ice cream. So much fun! I missed him <3
I have to go for now. Another update should be coming soon!
My client is going through some pretty tough medical issues and I guess that's why I am so worn out. She's not the same girl I started working with at the beginning of May. I feel really bad for her. It's really hard for her to enjoy anything anymore, and that rubs off on me a little while at work. I'm good though. I feel like my client's parents and I are developing a great professional relationship. Their animals even treat me like family, haha.
Besides work, I've had a few blog worthy social life events to mention. I had 2 dates with a guy named James. And thats as far as we got. I didn't want to continue because of several reasons. He really seemed like my type of guy. He's country, listens to all country music, we love the same tv shows, he works manual labor in the air force (I LOVE guys who work with their hands, instead of sitting at a desk all day. Give me calloused hands any day!), and is just one of those good ol southern boys that I fall for. Things seemed to be going good, but during dinner at Pf Changs he started asking all these sexual questions that I thought was way inappropriate for a second date (If I've ever been to an adult store and what I purchased there, stuff like that). After our date, 2 days later on FB he IM'ed me and we were just having regular conversation when he said he was really horny and wanted to know if I could help fix that problem for him. He went into way too much detail saying that he hadn't got any in so long (6 months) and doing it himself didn't work anymore. HELLOOOOO, wtf?? Not only did I not need to know that, how DARE you ask me to fix your horny problem! Red flag right there. So, no more communication with him. Honestly, with the guys I've been on dates with the last few months, I am just better off single. I'm not a girl who needs to be in a relationship to feel good about herself or to feel loved and wanted.
The last thing to mention is that Jim came to visit me this past Saturday. It was amazing, as always. It had been way too long (almost 4 months) since we last saw each other. Jim is the type of best friend I could go a year without seeing and when we get together it's like we were never apart. We had an eventful day. Lunch and great conversation at McAlister's, laying out in the sun and playing/goofing off in the pool for a few hours, drinking our favorite beer while looking up crazy you tube videos (which is our trademark, haha), his early birthday dinner at Atavola (my treat, since it was his b-day gift) and finished up with Cold Stone ice cream. So much fun! I missed him <3
I have to go for now. Another update should be coming soon!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
My exciting Saturday!
I didn't want my Saturday to end. Like I said last weekend, I went to Megan's graduation open house in Eden and despite the 3 hour drive (which was quite stressful) I had a FABULOUS time...
I caught up with Jim's mom (Jackie), Jim's grandparents, Jim's youngest brother (Ryan), and met Megan's parents (who, by the way, are totally awesome). I honestly wasn't sure what to expect from Jim's family. I hadn't seen them since last July. But wow, did I ever feel loved. Jackie practically threw herself at me and gave me a hug so tight I couldn't breathe for a few seconds, haha. Man, did I miss his family. I had long talks with every member. As everyone was leaving, his grandparents said to me, "Now Leah, we need to see you more often. You tell Jim he needs to bring you over for dinner sometime soon. We miss seeing you." Jackie said, "Leah, you're more than welcome at the house any time. I'll even feed you." (there's a long running inside joke about the feeding part) Needless to say, I had a blast. I missed Megan so much. She LOVED her gifts, which made me happy! She's going to school at Guilford College so I told her that whenever I come to visit Gboro in the fall, we will definitely be meeting up for dinner and maybe clubbing (since I miss downtown Gboro and Megan wants to go so bad!) Hopefully Megan will come visit me here in Greenville this summer! Megan's mom (Lynn) said she would be more than happy to let Megan come see me, so YAY!
Once I left Eden, I headed south to Gboro, where I met up with Ashley for a few hours. I love girl talk with her. She was trying to persuade me to move back to Gboro. The thought has crossed my mind a few times. I just don't know where my life is taking me. I'm stuck in the lease for my current apt in greenville till next July 31st. By then, my parents will be living in Raleigh and that's where I was sort of thinking about moving to next. However, my heart is in Gboro. I can't help it. The thing is I want to go to nursing school next August. Soooo, I'm planning to apply to Wake Tech CC in Raleigh and probably Guildford Tech CC in Gboro. I don't think I can go to school in Gboro though because I won't have a job while in nursing school and therefore will not be able to afford to live in an apt (even with a roommate). Since my parents will be living in Raleigh, if I went to school there, I could live at home. But at the age of 25, do I really want to live with my parents??? Ummm, NOOOOOO! I just don't see any other way. Unless I happen to get engaged/married by this time next year, which is very very highly unlikely.
Sooo, anyways, lots to think about and lots of problem solving to do in the next year.
I had a great Saturday and a relaxing Sunday. Now its time to start my first 50 hour work week.
I caught up with Jim's mom (Jackie), Jim's grandparents, Jim's youngest brother (Ryan), and met Megan's parents (who, by the way, are totally awesome). I honestly wasn't sure what to expect from Jim's family. I hadn't seen them since last July. But wow, did I ever feel loved. Jackie practically threw herself at me and gave me a hug so tight I couldn't breathe for a few seconds, haha. Man, did I miss his family. I had long talks with every member. As everyone was leaving, his grandparents said to me, "Now Leah, we need to see you more often. You tell Jim he needs to bring you over for dinner sometime soon. We miss seeing you." Jackie said, "Leah, you're more than welcome at the house any time. I'll even feed you." (there's a long running inside joke about the feeding part) Needless to say, I had a blast. I missed Megan so much. She LOVED her gifts, which made me happy! She's going to school at Guilford College so I told her that whenever I come to visit Gboro in the fall, we will definitely be meeting up for dinner and maybe clubbing (since I miss downtown Gboro and Megan wants to go so bad!) Hopefully Megan will come visit me here in Greenville this summer! Megan's mom (Lynn) said she would be more than happy to let Megan come see me, so YAY!
Once I left Eden, I headed south to Gboro, where I met up with Ashley for a few hours. I love girl talk with her. She was trying to persuade me to move back to Gboro. The thought has crossed my mind a few times. I just don't know where my life is taking me. I'm stuck in the lease for my current apt in greenville till next July 31st. By then, my parents will be living in Raleigh and that's where I was sort of thinking about moving to next. However, my heart is in Gboro. I can't help it. The thing is I want to go to nursing school next August. Soooo, I'm planning to apply to Wake Tech CC in Raleigh and probably Guildford Tech CC in Gboro. I don't think I can go to school in Gboro though because I won't have a job while in nursing school and therefore will not be able to afford to live in an apt (even with a roommate). Since my parents will be living in Raleigh, if I went to school there, I could live at home. But at the age of 25, do I really want to live with my parents??? Ummm, NOOOOOO! I just don't see any other way. Unless I happen to get engaged/married by this time next year, which is very very highly unlikely.
Sooo, anyways, lots to think about and lots of problem solving to do in the next year.
I had a great Saturday and a relaxing Sunday. Now its time to start my first 50 hour work week.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Real Quick Update
Today was slightly better than yesterday. My client still seemed shaken by her horrible experience yesterday at school. It's hard to work through things like that since she's non verbal. But I talked to her today and I could tell she understood the main gist of what I was saying.
So, I applied for some weekend work earlier today. I'm hoping for something to come through. If it comes to it, I can ask Maxim (my company) if they have any weekend clients I could take over for the summer. Anything will do.
I had a long conversation mostly through text tonight with Jim. Its amazing after almost 3 1/2 years of being such good friends that we still can talk for hours at a time. Anyways, he called me up after texting and said that there might be something taking place soon, but he doesn't want to tell me yet until he knows more details and if it will actually happen. So, now that I'm completely confused, and at the same time extremely interested, I wonder what he's talking about. Hmmmm.
Until next time...
So, I applied for some weekend work earlier today. I'm hoping for something to come through. If it comes to it, I can ask Maxim (my company) if they have any weekend clients I could take over for the summer. Anything will do.
I had a long conversation mostly through text tonight with Jim. Its amazing after almost 3 1/2 years of being such good friends that we still can talk for hours at a time. Anyways, he called me up after texting and said that there might be something taking place soon, but he doesn't want to tell me yet until he knows more details and if it will actually happen. So, now that I'm completely confused, and at the same time extremely interested, I wonder what he's talking about. Hmmmm.
Until next time...
Monday, June 7, 2010
Money issues
Today was a pretty rough day. First off, I felt so bad for my client. It's obviously nothing I can share due to confidentiality, but lets just say schools need to be more selective when they decide what kind of substitute teachers to put in with the special ed kids. Completely ruined my client's day and put me in a bad mood.
The last day of school is Wednesday, which means I start summer hours on Thursday. I'm actually looking forward to this because I need every last penny I can get. Money is super tight. Unlike a lot of my college peers, I paid for everything myself. Tuition, apartment rent, books, and any other bills. All me. Obviously I didn't have thousands of dollars laying around, so there are about 10 loans all in my name that are now needing to be paid. Not to mention all my medical bills. With school loans alone, I'm over $100,000 dollars in debt. No one my age knows what that feels like. Talk about stress. So, I need to get a weekend job. I honestly have no choice but to work 7 days a week to even begin to make a dent in my debt.
Like I said, today was rough. After all that went down with my client's day, it put me in a overwhelmed mood. I started thinking about money and all that I just explained above. I started crying for a brief second at work, but pulled myself together. I don't know how I'm going to do this. Any of it. All I see right now in my immediate future is working my ass off every day of the week.
Ok, I'm tired. Good night.
The last day of school is Wednesday, which means I start summer hours on Thursday. I'm actually looking forward to this because I need every last penny I can get. Money is super tight. Unlike a lot of my college peers, I paid for everything myself. Tuition, apartment rent, books, and any other bills. All me. Obviously I didn't have thousands of dollars laying around, so there are about 10 loans all in my name that are now needing to be paid. Not to mention all my medical bills. With school loans alone, I'm over $100,000 dollars in debt. No one my age knows what that feels like. Talk about stress. So, I need to get a weekend job. I honestly have no choice but to work 7 days a week to even begin to make a dent in my debt.
Like I said, today was rough. After all that went down with my client's day, it put me in a overwhelmed mood. I started thinking about money and all that I just explained above. I started crying for a brief second at work, but pulled myself together. I don't know how I'm going to do this. Any of it. All I see right now in my immediate future is working my ass off every day of the week.
Ok, I'm tired. Good night.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Next weekend's plans, Miley, and Ed
I'm so excited for next Saturday! I am going to Eden for Jim's younger brother's girlfriend's high school graduation party (Her name is Megan.) I miss this girl so much. I used to see her every weekend at Jim's dad's place for 2 years straight. She's so cute and such a sweetheart. We've been talking pretty regularly since I've moved to Greenville and we're both excited to see each other next week. I just got to think of a gift for her...hmmmm.
I may stick around that area to see some Gboro friends I havent seen in awhile. Jim is debating whether he wants to see me or not next Saturday because he doesn't want to see me for an hour and then I have to leave. He's like "That's a tease. Its not cool." He said when he sees me he wants to see me for the entire day, not just an hour. I totally agree. So, I don't know if I'll see Jim on Saturday, but I know it'll be a great day at Megan's!
So if you know me, then you should know I'm obsessed with Miley Cyrus. I started watching Hannah Montana on Disney the day it premiered back in early 2006. I literally own everything she's done since then. Miley gives me confidence. Seriously, I know she's only 17, but she OWNS that stage and her movie roles and her songs and she don't give a flying hoot if you like her or not. She is who she is, no matter how many haters. That's how I try to live my life. I am not changing for anyone. Her newest single, "Can't be Tamed" came out a few weeks ago. LOVE IT! Her new album drops June 22nd and I'll buy it that day, of course! Also, the 4th and final season of Hannah debuts sometime soon! Ahhh, I can't wait! :)
I'm working on my tan, which is coming along quite nicely. Every weekend if the weather is nice I love to lay out at the pool and read one of my 3 books I'm reading. One of my fav authors is Lisa Gardner. She writes all detective-like novels, with suspense, action, and thrills thrown in. I've already read, I think, 6 of her books. Then, I'm reading "The Lovely Bones" which was turned into a movie. I haven't seen it, but people said it was awful. Well, the book is amazing. Enough said. The 3rd book I'm workin on is a book on the life and recovery of people with eating disorders. Obviously something that is and will always be near and dear to my heart. I see a LOT of myself in this book. I'm even being a student and highlighting important research and facts and such that are in the book.
Most people think once you've gained all your weight back and you're at your healthy weight that you no longer have an ED. Clinically, they're right. However, eating disorders are MUCH MORE a psychological disorder than a matter of weight and numbers. For the rest of my life I will always fight and struggle with my ED-like thoughts. I know at any time Ed could sneak up behind me and drag me down. I've known girls personally that have died from this disease and I can't tell you how much that hurts. Honestly, one day I would LOVE to either work in an ED treatment facility or be apart of NEDA and all other awareness organizations and work to raise money and spread knowledge about Eds. Seriously a dream. A great dream.
I'm done rambling now. See ya soon!
I may stick around that area to see some Gboro friends I havent seen in awhile. Jim is debating whether he wants to see me or not next Saturday because he doesn't want to see me for an hour and then I have to leave. He's like "That's a tease. Its not cool." He said when he sees me he wants to see me for the entire day, not just an hour. I totally agree. So, I don't know if I'll see Jim on Saturday, but I know it'll be a great day at Megan's!
So if you know me, then you should know I'm obsessed with Miley Cyrus. I started watching Hannah Montana on Disney the day it premiered back in early 2006. I literally own everything she's done since then. Miley gives me confidence. Seriously, I know she's only 17, but she OWNS that stage and her movie roles and her songs and she don't give a flying hoot if you like her or not. She is who she is, no matter how many haters. That's how I try to live my life. I am not changing for anyone. Her newest single, "Can't be Tamed" came out a few weeks ago. LOVE IT! Her new album drops June 22nd and I'll buy it that day, of course! Also, the 4th and final season of Hannah debuts sometime soon! Ahhh, I can't wait! :)
I'm working on my tan, which is coming along quite nicely. Every weekend if the weather is nice I love to lay out at the pool and read one of my 3 books I'm reading. One of my fav authors is Lisa Gardner. She writes all detective-like novels, with suspense, action, and thrills thrown in. I've already read, I think, 6 of her books. Then, I'm reading "The Lovely Bones" which was turned into a movie. I haven't seen it, but people said it was awful. Well, the book is amazing. Enough said. The 3rd book I'm workin on is a book on the life and recovery of people with eating disorders. Obviously something that is and will always be near and dear to my heart. I see a LOT of myself in this book. I'm even being a student and highlighting important research and facts and such that are in the book.
Most people think once you've gained all your weight back and you're at your healthy weight that you no longer have an ED. Clinically, they're right. However, eating disorders are MUCH MORE a psychological disorder than a matter of weight and numbers. For the rest of my life I will always fight and struggle with my ED-like thoughts. I know at any time Ed could sneak up behind me and drag me down. I've known girls personally that have died from this disease and I can't tell you how much that hurts. Honestly, one day I would LOVE to either work in an ED treatment facility or be apart of NEDA and all other awareness organizations and work to raise money and spread knowledge about Eds. Seriously a dream. A great dream.
I'm done rambling now. See ya soon!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Long Overdue Update
Sooo, its been over 3 months since I blogged, and I apologize. Things got really crazy.
In the beginning of March (March 8th to be exact), my parents and I were in a bad car crash that, by the way, was not our fault. I suffered extreme pain in my right shoulder, chest, neck, and upper back for a good month after the accident. I was taking Vicodin and strong muscle relaxers and going to the chiropractor every day. I wasn't sleeping well at all. I was all of a sudden nauseous and lost my appetite. I started getting headaches every day. I was essentially falling apart, all due to the trauma of the accident. I had to suffer through all this alone, which was not fun. But I also had to continue looking for a full time job. Let me just say when it takes an hour to get dressed and brush your hair and teeth due to extreme pain, going out and looking for jobs was beyond stressful. However, I stuck with my job search, determined not to let my injuries from the accident bring me down. In April, I struck gold (Ok, not gold, but to me, it felt like gold).
I was offered a job here in Greenville as a Hab Tech for a government funded agency Maxim Healthcare Services in mid April. I would be going into my client's homes and providing them all kinds of services from home and community support (which is where we work on treatment plan goals, daily and weekly ones), personal care (meal time, dressing, bathing, etc), developmental therapy (only those who are MR/DD receive this), and respite care (which is offered to families who need it. Its basically recreational time for the client). It's definitely not a good paying job, but a month into it, I must say it is very rewarding. A lot of the other hab techs have more than 1 client, however, I only have one because during the school year she gets 30 hours a week, and during the summer, 50 hours a week. 30 hours a week is considered full time at Maxim. It may not seem like a lot of hours, trust me, it is.
I really adore my client. She has cerebal palsy among other mental and physical disabilities. The main thing about her is that she is non verbal. At first I was so nervous to work with a client who is not only in a wheelchair, but can't verbally communicate. However, she brings out a lot of great qualities that I've had inside myself for years. I'm a very patient person, which when working with someone like my client, is of upmost importance. I'm also able to empathize and really put myself in someone else's shoes. When I see through my client's perspective, I'm able to work and communicate with her so easily. It's hard for some people to see what life would be like if you couldn't talk or walk, but my client has opened my eyes to so many things in this world. For example, a lot of places are not handicap friendly, which upsets me greatly. And people in this world stare and point and laugh at people like my client, which makes me want to slap that person. Believe it or not, a non verbal person still has all the same feelings we do, they just communicate them in a different way. I just have to come to terms that the world will never understand or tolerate MR/DD folks.
That's basically the last 3 months of my life. The accident, struggling with my injuries, and then getting a job and working. There have been some other smaller events in there, but not all of them are blog worthy.
My parents are in the process of trying to move down to NC. My dad has a job, as long as they don't hold the results of his psych evaluation aganist him. I'm really praying they understand and that my dad gets the job. They really want to get out of Somerset so bad. If he does indeed get the job, they will be moving to Raleigh, which is only about an hour and 20/30 minutes away from me. I have to admit it will be nice to have them close, after 4 years of being 500 miles apart.
Jim is moving into his new place as I speak. He'll still be living in Gboro, just a nicer, bigger place. I'm so proud of him. In about 2 weeks, he will only have 1 more year of his 5 year apprenticeship to complete and then he'll be an electrician! He has actually been laid off from work the last few weeks, but like he always says working construction there is lay offs a few times a year. I know this first hand and at first they're awesome for him, but after about 3-4 weeks, he starts to go crazy from boredom. I don't blame him. I miss him a lot. We havent seen each other since mid Feburary (well, he did see me on March 8th when I was in that accident, but that doesn't count). Phone calls and texts are sent to each other practically every day.
I do have to mention something though. I know some people have a problem with me being so close with my ex. However, I disagree with a lot of the stuff my friends do in their relationships/friendships. Like, I strongly believe love doesn't happen in a month or two. Just like marriage, love takes work. You barely even know all there is to know of a person in 2 months and you love them? A person may think they love someone in that short of time, but to me you haven't weathered ANY storms with your partner to know that you have a love that stays true. The only way you know you have a true love is to stand the test of time. I didn't say I love you to Jim until over a year into our relationship. Can you believe people don't believe me when I say that? It's true. I had a very strong connection with him before that, but it wasn't love. People mistake strong connections/attraction/infatuation with love all the time. I think people are crazy for dating a few months, and then get engaged/move in to together/married so quickly. My parents did that and they will tell you every day of the year that it was HELL. They would strongly advise me NEVER to follow in their path.
Anyways, so people may have issues that I want to and will remain best friends with my ex, but I have issues with their relationships as well. Friends love each other even through all dissagreements. However, I will say that the only person I talk to about my friendship with Jim is my mom and dad. No one else understands. And thats fine. I know I will have a best friend until the day I die. And thats all the proof I need to do what I do.
I think that about wraps up my blog for tonight. Hopefully more to come soon.
In the beginning of March (March 8th to be exact), my parents and I were in a bad car crash that, by the way, was not our fault. I suffered extreme pain in my right shoulder, chest, neck, and upper back for a good month after the accident. I was taking Vicodin and strong muscle relaxers and going to the chiropractor every day. I wasn't sleeping well at all. I was all of a sudden nauseous and lost my appetite. I started getting headaches every day. I was essentially falling apart, all due to the trauma of the accident. I had to suffer through all this alone, which was not fun. But I also had to continue looking for a full time job. Let me just say when it takes an hour to get dressed and brush your hair and teeth due to extreme pain, going out and looking for jobs was beyond stressful. However, I stuck with my job search, determined not to let my injuries from the accident bring me down. In April, I struck gold (Ok, not gold, but to me, it felt like gold).
I was offered a job here in Greenville as a Hab Tech for a government funded agency Maxim Healthcare Services in mid April. I would be going into my client's homes and providing them all kinds of services from home and community support (which is where we work on treatment plan goals, daily and weekly ones), personal care (meal time, dressing, bathing, etc), developmental therapy (only those who are MR/DD receive this), and respite care (which is offered to families who need it. Its basically recreational time for the client). It's definitely not a good paying job, but a month into it, I must say it is very rewarding. A lot of the other hab techs have more than 1 client, however, I only have one because during the school year she gets 30 hours a week, and during the summer, 50 hours a week. 30 hours a week is considered full time at Maxim. It may not seem like a lot of hours, trust me, it is.
I really adore my client. She has cerebal palsy among other mental and physical disabilities. The main thing about her is that she is non verbal. At first I was so nervous to work with a client who is not only in a wheelchair, but can't verbally communicate. However, she brings out a lot of great qualities that I've had inside myself for years. I'm a very patient person, which when working with someone like my client, is of upmost importance. I'm also able to empathize and really put myself in someone else's shoes. When I see through my client's perspective, I'm able to work and communicate with her so easily. It's hard for some people to see what life would be like if you couldn't talk or walk, but my client has opened my eyes to so many things in this world. For example, a lot of places are not handicap friendly, which upsets me greatly. And people in this world stare and point and laugh at people like my client, which makes me want to slap that person. Believe it or not, a non verbal person still has all the same feelings we do, they just communicate them in a different way. I just have to come to terms that the world will never understand or tolerate MR/DD folks.
That's basically the last 3 months of my life. The accident, struggling with my injuries, and then getting a job and working. There have been some other smaller events in there, but not all of them are blog worthy.
My parents are in the process of trying to move down to NC. My dad has a job, as long as they don't hold the results of his psych evaluation aganist him. I'm really praying they understand and that my dad gets the job. They really want to get out of Somerset so bad. If he does indeed get the job, they will be moving to Raleigh, which is only about an hour and 20/30 minutes away from me. I have to admit it will be nice to have them close, after 4 years of being 500 miles apart.
Jim is moving into his new place as I speak. He'll still be living in Gboro, just a nicer, bigger place. I'm so proud of him. In about 2 weeks, he will only have 1 more year of his 5 year apprenticeship to complete and then he'll be an electrician! He has actually been laid off from work the last few weeks, but like he always says working construction there is lay offs a few times a year. I know this first hand and at first they're awesome for him, but after about 3-4 weeks, he starts to go crazy from boredom. I don't blame him. I miss him a lot. We havent seen each other since mid Feburary (well, he did see me on March 8th when I was in that accident, but that doesn't count). Phone calls and texts are sent to each other practically every day.
I do have to mention something though. I know some people have a problem with me being so close with my ex. However, I disagree with a lot of the stuff my friends do in their relationships/friendships. Like, I strongly believe love doesn't happen in a month or two. Just like marriage, love takes work. You barely even know all there is to know of a person in 2 months and you love them? A person may think they love someone in that short of time, but to me you haven't weathered ANY storms with your partner to know that you have a love that stays true. The only way you know you have a true love is to stand the test of time. I didn't say I love you to Jim until over a year into our relationship. Can you believe people don't believe me when I say that? It's true. I had a very strong connection with him before that, but it wasn't love. People mistake strong connections/attraction/infatuation with love all the time. I think people are crazy for dating a few months, and then get engaged/move in to together/married so quickly. My parents did that and they will tell you every day of the year that it was HELL. They would strongly advise me NEVER to follow in their path.
Anyways, so people may have issues that I want to and will remain best friends with my ex, but I have issues with their relationships as well. Friends love each other even through all dissagreements. However, I will say that the only person I talk to about my friendship with Jim is my mom and dad. No one else understands. And thats fine. I know I will have a best friend until the day I die. And thats all the proof I need to do what I do.
I think that about wraps up my blog for tonight. Hopefully more to come soon.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Lyrics = Life
It's time to pack my bags
and never look back
run a parallel line with the railroad tracks
and make my getaway.
I'll put the pedal to the metal
As the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town
And at the break of day,
I'll be a runaway.
**********************
I feel like I'm a million miles away
from myself more and more these days
ive been down so many open roads
but they never lead me home
and now I just don't know
Who I really am
How it's gonna be
Is there something that I can't see?
I wanna understand...
And I don't wanna wait too long,
to find out where im meant to belong
ive always wanted to be where I am today
But I never thought I'd feel this way.
*********************
No narrative needed today. The above covers it pretty well.
and never look back
run a parallel line with the railroad tracks
and make my getaway.
I'll put the pedal to the metal
As the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town
And at the break of day,
I'll be a runaway.
**********************
I feel like I'm a million miles away
from myself more and more these days
ive been down so many open roads
but they never lead me home
and now I just don't know
Who I really am
How it's gonna be
Is there something that I can't see?
I wanna understand...
And I don't wanna wait too long,
to find out where im meant to belong
ive always wanted to be where I am today
But I never thought I'd feel this way.
*********************
No narrative needed today. The above covers it pretty well.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The day after the fairytale
"Can you feel this magic in the air?" - Taylor Swift
The fairytale was my own personal version. Most (ok, probably all) other girls wouldn't consider last night a fairytale. But it was definitely magical...
Sitting in a comfy chair at the mall and then looking up to see my best friend walking towards me with the biggest smile on his face is the most gratifying feeling in the world. Our hug in the middle of the mall lasted for a solid minute. We walked aimlessly throughout the mall, not caring about where we were going, he just wanted to know everything about my interview earlier that afternoon. And I told him everything. After walking for a little, we decided it was time to get food, and in particular a steak! So, off to Outback we went.
We both love that place. We have many memories there as well. Anyways, the food was great. as always, but the company and conversation was amazing. We talked about so many things, it would take me until tomorrow to type it all. Laughing, joking, a lot of staring. We have to take good mental pictures of each others face to last us until the next time we see each other, which usually is at least 2 months, if not more. The kicker of our dinner experience happened when the waitress came and gave us our check and said the following word for word: "You guys seem so into each other. How long have you been dating?" Jim looked at me and smiled and said, "Darlin you wanna take this one?" So, I explained to the waitress that we were just friends. That we had dated for 2 1/2 years but I moved to Greenville and now I'm just here visiting him. The waitress was taken aback. She said "Wow, my fault for assuming. But just for the record, you two are so cute together."
Then, Jim took me to Ganache, which is our favorite bakery. The most amazing cakes ever. Not to mention all the lights are dimmed inside and there's a lit candle in the middle of each table. It's a very intimate setting. We ate delicious desserts and hot chocolate and talked a whole lot more. Through out the whole evening Jim kept saying how beautiful I looked and how grateful he was that I was there. Since we broke up he hasn't made one move on me. He truly respects me. He still holds my hand at dinners but it's more of a sign that shows me he's always going to be there for me.
At the end of the night in his truck, he gave me something. I'm not going to say what it is, but I started crying right away. I said thank you a million times and we kept hugging. Nobody (besides my parents) looks out for me the way Jim does. I am so blessed to have met him and have him in my life. And I know he feels the same way. He's the peanut butter to my jelly. No matter what anyone thinks, we have a bond that will last a lifetime.
"Life with you makes perfect sense. You're my best friend" - Tim McGraw
The fairytale was my own personal version. Most (ok, probably all) other girls wouldn't consider last night a fairytale. But it was definitely magical...
Sitting in a comfy chair at the mall and then looking up to see my best friend walking towards me with the biggest smile on his face is the most gratifying feeling in the world. Our hug in the middle of the mall lasted for a solid minute. We walked aimlessly throughout the mall, not caring about where we were going, he just wanted to know everything about my interview earlier that afternoon. And I told him everything. After walking for a little, we decided it was time to get food, and in particular a steak! So, off to Outback we went.
We both love that place. We have many memories there as well. Anyways, the food was great. as always, but the company and conversation was amazing. We talked about so many things, it would take me until tomorrow to type it all. Laughing, joking, a lot of staring. We have to take good mental pictures of each others face to last us until the next time we see each other, which usually is at least 2 months, if not more. The kicker of our dinner experience happened when the waitress came and gave us our check and said the following word for word: "You guys seem so into each other. How long have you been dating?" Jim looked at me and smiled and said, "Darlin you wanna take this one?" So, I explained to the waitress that we were just friends. That we had dated for 2 1/2 years but I moved to Greenville and now I'm just here visiting him. The waitress was taken aback. She said "Wow, my fault for assuming. But just for the record, you two are so cute together."
Then, Jim took me to Ganache, which is our favorite bakery. The most amazing cakes ever. Not to mention all the lights are dimmed inside and there's a lit candle in the middle of each table. It's a very intimate setting. We ate delicious desserts and hot chocolate and talked a whole lot more. Through out the whole evening Jim kept saying how beautiful I looked and how grateful he was that I was there. Since we broke up he hasn't made one move on me. He truly respects me. He still holds my hand at dinners but it's more of a sign that shows me he's always going to be there for me.
At the end of the night in his truck, he gave me something. I'm not going to say what it is, but I started crying right away. I said thank you a million times and we kept hugging. Nobody (besides my parents) looks out for me the way Jim does. I am so blessed to have met him and have him in my life. And I know he feels the same way. He's the peanut butter to my jelly. No matter what anyone thinks, we have a bond that will last a lifetime.
"Life with you makes perfect sense. You're my best friend" - Tim McGraw
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Hallmark Holiday
As I type this entry, I am eating valentine's day chocolates that I bought yesterday for myself at a very cheap price. Every V-day that I'm alone, I always buys myself a nice box of chocolates. I haven't done that in a few years since I was with Jim, but alas the tradition resurfaced yesterday. I learned while in rehab that when you feel down to do something that makes you feel special. Now that concept might seem pretty simple, but you would be surprised how many people do not treat themselves every so often. It's become a way of life for me over the past 7 years:
* I got through a really tough week, I'm gonna rent a sappy movie and eat lots of popcorn.
* I got an A on the biggest project of the semester, I'm gonna buy a new CD that I've wanted for a long time.
Sometimes NO money is involved:
*I worked my butt off all weekend, I'm going to take a Sunday afternoon nap.
This coping strategy has worked wonders with me and all my treatment buddies. Even if there is NO time to reward myself, I do it anyways. Why not? I earned it. Yes, it's nice to have someone take you out to dinner or buy you flowers, but there is a different kind of satisfaction you feel when you purposely reward yourself. No matter how small, it does its job. So thats why on a day like Valentine's Day when everyone is showing their loved ones how much they mean to them, I buy myself a box of chocolates. It's a sign of self-love. Even though I don't always have an abundance of it, I do it anyway. Fake it till you make it.
On Sunday, I did think about Jim a lot. The last 2 Valentine's Day we shared were pretty amazing. I sort-of relived them in my head on Sunday. It made me feel better actually. I know that sounds weird, but basking in the happiness that surrounded those days put a smile on my face. And literally, in the middle of my trip down memory lane, Jim texted me to make sure I was doing ok. And by ok he meant, trying to have a good day and not being sad. What can I say he knows me too damn well! Ha.
All in all, I had a good V-day weekend. I spent Saturday night with some great girls. We ate dinner at Chicos, went to see the movie Valentine's Day (which, by the way, I loved), and then ended up sharing cookie skillets at East Coast Wings. Like I said, not bad :)
Now that the Hallmark Holiday has passed, I am looking forward to March. March has a few days in there that are pretty special to me. St. Patrick's Day has taken on a whole new meaning since 2007. While most people are getting wasted, I think about how *LUCKY* I am to have such an amazing guy in my life, together or not, since that is the day we met.
Oh and did I mention I'm seeing Jim in 2 days? Who knows what kind of stories I'll have when I return to Greenville on Friday :)
* I got through a really tough week, I'm gonna rent a sappy movie and eat lots of popcorn.
* I got an A on the biggest project of the semester, I'm gonna buy a new CD that I've wanted for a long time.
Sometimes NO money is involved:
*I worked my butt off all weekend, I'm going to take a Sunday afternoon nap.
This coping strategy has worked wonders with me and all my treatment buddies. Even if there is NO time to reward myself, I do it anyways. Why not? I earned it. Yes, it's nice to have someone take you out to dinner or buy you flowers, but there is a different kind of satisfaction you feel when you purposely reward yourself. No matter how small, it does its job. So thats why on a day like Valentine's Day when everyone is showing their loved ones how much they mean to them, I buy myself a box of chocolates. It's a sign of self-love. Even though I don't always have an abundance of it, I do it anyway. Fake it till you make it.
On Sunday, I did think about Jim a lot. The last 2 Valentine's Day we shared were pretty amazing. I sort-of relived them in my head on Sunday. It made me feel better actually. I know that sounds weird, but basking in the happiness that surrounded those days put a smile on my face. And literally, in the middle of my trip down memory lane, Jim texted me to make sure I was doing ok. And by ok he meant, trying to have a good day and not being sad. What can I say he knows me too damn well! Ha.
All in all, I had a good V-day weekend. I spent Saturday night with some great girls. We ate dinner at Chicos, went to see the movie Valentine's Day (which, by the way, I loved), and then ended up sharing cookie skillets at East Coast Wings. Like I said, not bad :)
Now that the Hallmark Holiday has passed, I am looking forward to March. March has a few days in there that are pretty special to me. St. Patrick's Day has taken on a whole new meaning since 2007. While most people are getting wasted, I think about how *LUCKY* I am to have such an amazing guy in my life, together or not, since that is the day we met.
Oh and did I mention I'm seeing Jim in 2 days? Who knows what kind of stories I'll have when I return to Greenville on Friday :)
Friday, February 12, 2010
Present day madness
Now that you all know I am not in grad school any longer, what am I up to these days you must be wondering? Well, a whole lotta nothing. Actually, that's not technically true. Over Christmas and after New Years I filled and sent out A LOT of applications for all kinds of jobs pretty much anywhere I'd be interested in living. I'm not being picky about where the job is, I just NEED one. For the last 2 months I've been living off savings. It frustrates me because that money was supposed to be used for furniture when I moved into a nice NON-student apartment and to start paying off my private student loans. Well, not anymore.
If I'm being honest, I am seriously running out of money. I won't take anything from my parents. They say I'm being stubborn. I'm not, I just don't want their money. I'm 23, I shouldn't need their money. I'm not like almost every other young adult out there who mommy and daddy pay their rent or buy them their food or whatever else. I am in MAJOR debt from not only going to college out of state for 5 years, but for including monthly rent for 2 years in those loans. My parents couldn't have paid my rent if they wanted to. They were/are very tight. My dad works 3 jobs and my mom works full time even though she has Fiber Myalga. Even with all 4 incomes, my parents struggle to get by. They have A LOT of medical bills (i.e. my brother, and my mom) Anyways, I will borrow some money from my parents IF absolutely necessary. Until then I will sacrifice most of my social life to keep as much money in my accounts as possible.
Like I said, I've sent out a lot of applications. I had an interview in Kinston 3 weeks ago, but alas, I didn't hear back from them. Strike 1. I have 2 more interviews coming up this week: one in Kinston (a different place and a different position) and one in Butner (just north of Raleigh). I'm really REALLY hoping one of those works out. I would do anything for a job. If I have to move across the state, I will, just please God grant me a job!
Besides searching for a job, I'm trying to keep myself busy. As busy as one can be without spending money, or as little as possible. I've been going to the gym at least 4 times a week and it's GREAT. I admit I used to be a weakling (Jim would agree), but since October (well besides the holidays) I've been pretty consistent with working out and I am seeing results. Maybe not in the looks department, but definitely in the strength department. I feel like I could throw a decent punch if I had to! Ha. Other than the gym, I do quite a bit of reading. I've always been a big reader, and with all the time on my hands these days, I've been able to enjoy that hobby. And then every once in awhile I spend time with my friend Melissa, the only friend I really have here in Greenville. She is a 2nd year in the MFT program and was my mentor for the program as well. She's a great girl. We have a lot in common. We think the same way as well. I'm really blessed to have her in my life. Without her, I would never get out of my apt.
I talk on the phone often with my parents and with Jim. Phone time with Jim always brightens my day. We miss each other. He tells me almost every time we talk that as soon as work lets up he wants to see me. He keeps me up to date on everything going on with him. I know for the last 2 months he has had only 3 days off. He's working crazy long days. Like he worked all last night and slept during the day today. I don't know how he stays sane. Well, he says I help him with that :) He is really the most dedicated, hard working young man I have ever known. I remember during the first 6 months of our relationship he was working 70 hours a week and he still made time to see me and do stuff with me. Also, currently, he still makes time for 30 even 60 minute phone calls to me, even though he has worked 150 hours in 2 weeks. I miss him. And I don't think that will ever change.
So, pray for me about getting a job and that I keep my sanity here almost alone in Greenville. I appreciate it.
If I'm being honest, I am seriously running out of money. I won't take anything from my parents. They say I'm being stubborn. I'm not, I just don't want their money. I'm 23, I shouldn't need their money. I'm not like almost every other young adult out there who mommy and daddy pay their rent or buy them their food or whatever else. I am in MAJOR debt from not only going to college out of state for 5 years, but for including monthly rent for 2 years in those loans. My parents couldn't have paid my rent if they wanted to. They were/are very tight. My dad works 3 jobs and my mom works full time even though she has Fiber Myalga. Even with all 4 incomes, my parents struggle to get by. They have A LOT of medical bills (i.e. my brother, and my mom) Anyways, I will borrow some money from my parents IF absolutely necessary. Until then I will sacrifice most of my social life to keep as much money in my accounts as possible.
Like I said, I've sent out a lot of applications. I had an interview in Kinston 3 weeks ago, but alas, I didn't hear back from them. Strike 1. I have 2 more interviews coming up this week: one in Kinston (a different place and a different position) and one in Butner (just north of Raleigh). I'm really REALLY hoping one of those works out. I would do anything for a job. If I have to move across the state, I will, just please God grant me a job!
Besides searching for a job, I'm trying to keep myself busy. As busy as one can be without spending money, or as little as possible. I've been going to the gym at least 4 times a week and it's GREAT. I admit I used to be a weakling (Jim would agree), but since October (well besides the holidays) I've been pretty consistent with working out and I am seeing results. Maybe not in the looks department, but definitely in the strength department. I feel like I could throw a decent punch if I had to! Ha. Other than the gym, I do quite a bit of reading. I've always been a big reader, and with all the time on my hands these days, I've been able to enjoy that hobby. And then every once in awhile I spend time with my friend Melissa, the only friend I really have here in Greenville. She is a 2nd year in the MFT program and was my mentor for the program as well. She's a great girl. We have a lot in common. We think the same way as well. I'm really blessed to have her in my life. Without her, I would never get out of my apt.
I talk on the phone often with my parents and with Jim. Phone time with Jim always brightens my day. We miss each other. He tells me almost every time we talk that as soon as work lets up he wants to see me. He keeps me up to date on everything going on with him. I know for the last 2 months he has had only 3 days off. He's working crazy long days. Like he worked all last night and slept during the day today. I don't know how he stays sane. Well, he says I help him with that :) He is really the most dedicated, hard working young man I have ever known. I remember during the first 6 months of our relationship he was working 70 hours a week and he still made time to see me and do stuff with me. Also, currently, he still makes time for 30 even 60 minute phone calls to me, even though he has worked 150 hours in 2 weeks. I miss him. And I don't think that will ever change.
So, pray for me about getting a job and that I keep my sanity here almost alone in Greenville. I appreciate it.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
An outsider? Maybe. A quitter? Never.
So, a few days ago, I began with a story about my first love. Tonight, I'll end this post talking about my determined spirt. Just bare with me...
As you know, I am in Greenville. But what you don't know is that I am no longer in grad school here. Remember how I mentioned I was terrified to move, but especially away from Jim? Well, my first semester as a grad student started off well. As the days and weeks went by I started to feel...lonely, yes, very very lonely. I honestly didn't feel a huge connection with anyone in my cohort. Some of these classmates have told me since then that I didn't reach out, that I didn't try to let people in, that I didn't make a good effort in getting to know people. For those who don't know really know me, that would be an accurate statement. But they're wrong. I did make an effort a few times, and those times were enough to tell me that I wouldn't be ok getting close to them. I know that's a bold statement to make, but it's true. There are just some people you meet that you KNOW you're going to bond with. I didn't feel that with any of them. Example:
We were on our way home from Busch Gardens and it was late and we stopped by a resturant to eat. It was only 2 or 3 weeks into the semester, but I was really struggling with being away from Jim. I ended up crying at our table and the classmates that were there with me asked what was wrong and I told them. You ever have those moments where you tell some people something really intimate and by the look on their face you wish you could take it all back? That's exactly how I felt in that moment. Their words were trying to comfort me, but the looks I received said otherwise. From that moment on, I became more reserved with how I approached my cohort.
It's not because they were new people. I have been in plenty of therapists' offices and shared a good deal of private information within the first 15 min and felt completely at ease. The newness of talking to essentially complete strangers doesn't phase me. My classmates facial expressions and demeanours when they were around me are what pushed me away. Closing in on the holidays, I didn't feel welcome. I felt like an outsider. I missed Jim and all my Greensboro friends so much. I wanted out. I started struggling to do my work. I couldn't focus. I was beginning to fall apart.
During all of these cohort issues, I was also having family problems. My brother was beat up and put in the hospital with a broken nose and black and blue eyes. My dad was having major depression/suicide issues. A friend I went to treatment with passed away. I had no insurance, so when my medicine ran out, I began having withdrawal symtpoms. And from then on, I just wanted to give up.
I know what my classmates were saying about me. A few of them asked me how I was doing, but most of them talked about me when I wasn't around. Now tell me, why would I want to open up to them? You just proved why I became reserved in the first place. They're good people, but I didn't belong in the same class as them. I never once felt like I was wanted there. The power of wanting to "belong" is very strong and influential. When one feels like they belong, everything about that person begins to grow, they begin to thrive, they begin to blossom. However, when this "belonging" is not occuring, it does just the opposite. I had no motivation to be the student I could be. I felt like a white egg in a colored egg basket. Everyone else was finding their way and making connections, while I began to drown. It's not my cohort's fault, my professors, or anyone's fault for that matter. It just wasn't meant to be.
After a semester filled with tragedies and many obstacles, I met with all my professors to fully explain what was going on and to ask for a chance to redeem myself. I asked to finish my work over Christmas break including a few weeks of missed assistantships hours and to go ahead with the spring semester. They said I could make up my work and hours, but I couldn't return to the program until the fall. They forbid me basically from taking classes in the spring. They didn't think I was "ready" to see clients due to my "state of mind". I knew at that moment, this whole experience at this school with these people was not what was meant to be. My professors just confirmed that.
At first, I was really upset, and confused, but as the days and weeks went by, I felt like there was something else out there for me. I don't know when it will come or how much stress and worrying I'll go through, but I'm going to do great things. As Jim told me, I have too big of a heart not to make a difference in this world. He's right. I've been through so much in my life. I'm a fighter. And one day I'm going to influence other people to be fighters who may feel like the world just fell from under them.
As you know, I am in Greenville. But what you don't know is that I am no longer in grad school here. Remember how I mentioned I was terrified to move, but especially away from Jim? Well, my first semester as a grad student started off well. As the days and weeks went by I started to feel...lonely, yes, very very lonely. I honestly didn't feel a huge connection with anyone in my cohort. Some of these classmates have told me since then that I didn't reach out, that I didn't try to let people in, that I didn't make a good effort in getting to know people. For those who don't know really know me, that would be an accurate statement. But they're wrong. I did make an effort a few times, and those times were enough to tell me that I wouldn't be ok getting close to them. I know that's a bold statement to make, but it's true. There are just some people you meet that you KNOW you're going to bond with. I didn't feel that with any of them. Example:
We were on our way home from Busch Gardens and it was late and we stopped by a resturant to eat. It was only 2 or 3 weeks into the semester, but I was really struggling with being away from Jim. I ended up crying at our table and the classmates that were there with me asked what was wrong and I told them. You ever have those moments where you tell some people something really intimate and by the look on their face you wish you could take it all back? That's exactly how I felt in that moment. Their words were trying to comfort me, but the looks I received said otherwise. From that moment on, I became more reserved with how I approached my cohort.
It's not because they were new people. I have been in plenty of therapists' offices and shared a good deal of private information within the first 15 min and felt completely at ease. The newness of talking to essentially complete strangers doesn't phase me. My classmates facial expressions and demeanours when they were around me are what pushed me away. Closing in on the holidays, I didn't feel welcome. I felt like an outsider. I missed Jim and all my Greensboro friends so much. I wanted out. I started struggling to do my work. I couldn't focus. I was beginning to fall apart.
During all of these cohort issues, I was also having family problems. My brother was beat up and put in the hospital with a broken nose and black and blue eyes. My dad was having major depression/suicide issues. A friend I went to treatment with passed away. I had no insurance, so when my medicine ran out, I began having withdrawal symtpoms. And from then on, I just wanted to give up.
I know what my classmates were saying about me. A few of them asked me how I was doing, but most of them talked about me when I wasn't around. Now tell me, why would I want to open up to them? You just proved why I became reserved in the first place. They're good people, but I didn't belong in the same class as them. I never once felt like I was wanted there. The power of wanting to "belong" is very strong and influential. When one feels like they belong, everything about that person begins to grow, they begin to thrive, they begin to blossom. However, when this "belonging" is not occuring, it does just the opposite. I had no motivation to be the student I could be. I felt like a white egg in a colored egg basket. Everyone else was finding their way and making connections, while I began to drown. It's not my cohort's fault, my professors, or anyone's fault for that matter. It just wasn't meant to be.
After a semester filled with tragedies and many obstacles, I met with all my professors to fully explain what was going on and to ask for a chance to redeem myself. I asked to finish my work over Christmas break including a few weeks of missed assistantships hours and to go ahead with the spring semester. They said I could make up my work and hours, but I couldn't return to the program until the fall. They forbid me basically from taking classes in the spring. They didn't think I was "ready" to see clients due to my "state of mind". I knew at that moment, this whole experience at this school with these people was not what was meant to be. My professors just confirmed that.
At first, I was really upset, and confused, but as the days and weeks went by, I felt like there was something else out there for me. I don't know when it will come or how much stress and worrying I'll go through, but I'm going to do great things. As Jim told me, I have too big of a heart not to make a difference in this world. He's right. I've been through so much in my life. I'm a fighter. And one day I'm going to influence other people to be fighters who may feel like the world just fell from under them.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
It's always good to start somewhere
Hello everyone. So, I used to have a blog for about 3 years before I moved to North Carolina. Writing has always been comforting and therapeutic for me. However, I do not like being told exactly what I have to write. I like writing whatever comes to me at the present moment. Yes, I don't know how I made it through college. Anyways, I've had a lot of time on my hands for quite awhile and what better way to fill it then to do something constructive.
Some things you need to know about me: I'm a girly-girl, except when it comes to food and football. I worry, a lot. I've only been in love once in my life. I'm a handful. I'm not afraid of my emotions. I like to talk. I like to listen. My life goal is to help people. I'm a yankee, turned southerner. I stutter when I get really excited. I'm one person who doesn't miss home. You wouldn't recognize me now if you knew me 7 years ago. I'm an eating disorder survivor. Most of all, I'm me, and I want to be somebody.
Now that all the basics are out of the way, it's time to get down to the good stuff. Rewind 7 months:
I'm about to move from Greensboro, where I spent the last 3 years of my life, to Greenville, where I'm going to spend the next 2 years of my life. I'm leaving to pursue my dream of being a therapist. I'm going to one of the best programs in the country. I'm terrified. Another new city, new school, new apartment, and new people. The scariest thing of all though: Moving away from my first (and only) love....
Rewind 3 years from Feb 2010:
I was in a relationship that was going absolutely nowhere. I was miserable. I cried all the time. I got terrible grades. I partied a lot. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months in March, the following month. 2 weeks later on St. Patricks Day, I met a guy, who little did I know, would become not only my best friend, but the only man I've ever loved. His name's Jim. From March 2007 until present day, we have something that no one will be able to take away.
Now, I'm not saying it was perfect. The only "problem" we had came in the summer of 2008, after a year and a half of dating. I worked full time at a summer camp and I only had one day off a week, which was Saturday. At first we spent every Saturday together and talked every night after lights-out at camp. In July, he became withdrawn and sort-of cold towards me. He went a week without calling/texting me and I became scared. Really scared. I thought to myself "What did I do or say to mess this up"? He wasn't returning my phone calls. And I was trapped at camp. Anyways, to make a long story short, it eventually came out that he took a girl on a few dates and slept with her during the 2 weeks he wouldn't return my calls. I cried, as to be expected, and he said the things that you would expect a man to say who cheated: "I'm sorry, it was a mistake, it didn't mean anything, i regret it, i just missed you, etc etc" He asked for a second chance. I thought long and hard about it. I gave him a second chance. And I am so glad I did.
For the next year and a half he did as he promised: he was going to make up for his mistake. That time we spent together was so far beyond amazing. Besides the usual cooking dinners, movie dates, and such, we went to Los Angeles, CA together for 4 days. It was spectacular. Out on the beaches of Santa Monica, he made a promise to me: that he would always be there for me, no matter where in the country I ventured off to.
Now back to August 2009. Moving away from Greensboro to Greenville. Call it what you want, but I had a gut feeling that Jim and I in the near future would move from being boyfriend and girlfriend to flat out best friends. 185 miles seperated us and while oceans have seperated some couples, he and I both knew with our choatic schedules that we would see each other only a few times a year. So, it should have come as no surprise when in November he called to tell me he had went on several dates with a girl. However, the news broke me down. My first love was moving on. It couldn't be real. The man I spent the last 32 months with was dating again. Like I said, I knew it was coming, but I guess you can never really prepare for that moment.
So, present day, Feb 2010, what is the status of Jim and I? Best friends. Since our break up, we talk every day. I mean, not just surface stuff like the weather. We have long talks about life. Where we wanna go, what we want to accomplish, how to get there, who we want along for the ride. In 5 of our talks in the last few months, him and I have cried together. He said something to me that has really stuck with me: "I will always be here for you Leah, day or night. Even through future girlfriends and boyfriends, no one will ever take your place. I promise you". And I believe him. Some people don't understand how one can stay so close to their ex, and all I have to say about that is "I can't explain it. But it's the way it was meant to be. There is no awkwardness or tension. In fact, our bond has grown since the break up. You might not understand, and that's ok. Because we do, and we're the only two that need to."
I am getting quite tired so I will end here for tonight. Good night world <3
Some things you need to know about me: I'm a girly-girl, except when it comes to food and football. I worry, a lot. I've only been in love once in my life. I'm a handful. I'm not afraid of my emotions. I like to talk. I like to listen. My life goal is to help people. I'm a yankee, turned southerner. I stutter when I get really excited. I'm one person who doesn't miss home. You wouldn't recognize me now if you knew me 7 years ago. I'm an eating disorder survivor. Most of all, I'm me, and I want to be somebody.
Now that all the basics are out of the way, it's time to get down to the good stuff. Rewind 7 months:
I'm about to move from Greensboro, where I spent the last 3 years of my life, to Greenville, where I'm going to spend the next 2 years of my life. I'm leaving to pursue my dream of being a therapist. I'm going to one of the best programs in the country. I'm terrified. Another new city, new school, new apartment, and new people. The scariest thing of all though: Moving away from my first (and only) love....
Rewind 3 years from Feb 2010:
I was in a relationship that was going absolutely nowhere. I was miserable. I cried all the time. I got terrible grades. I partied a lot. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months in March, the following month. 2 weeks later on St. Patricks Day, I met a guy, who little did I know, would become not only my best friend, but the only man I've ever loved. His name's Jim. From March 2007 until present day, we have something that no one will be able to take away.
Now, I'm not saying it was perfect. The only "problem" we had came in the summer of 2008, after a year and a half of dating. I worked full time at a summer camp and I only had one day off a week, which was Saturday. At first we spent every Saturday together and talked every night after lights-out at camp. In July, he became withdrawn and sort-of cold towards me. He went a week without calling/texting me and I became scared. Really scared. I thought to myself "What did I do or say to mess this up"? He wasn't returning my phone calls. And I was trapped at camp. Anyways, to make a long story short, it eventually came out that he took a girl on a few dates and slept with her during the 2 weeks he wouldn't return my calls. I cried, as to be expected, and he said the things that you would expect a man to say who cheated: "I'm sorry, it was a mistake, it didn't mean anything, i regret it, i just missed you, etc etc" He asked for a second chance. I thought long and hard about it. I gave him a second chance. And I am so glad I did.
For the next year and a half he did as he promised: he was going to make up for his mistake. That time we spent together was so far beyond amazing. Besides the usual cooking dinners, movie dates, and such, we went to Los Angeles, CA together for 4 days. It was spectacular. Out on the beaches of Santa Monica, he made a promise to me: that he would always be there for me, no matter where in the country I ventured off to.
Now back to August 2009. Moving away from Greensboro to Greenville. Call it what you want, but I had a gut feeling that Jim and I in the near future would move from being boyfriend and girlfriend to flat out best friends. 185 miles seperated us and while oceans have seperated some couples, he and I both knew with our choatic schedules that we would see each other only a few times a year. So, it should have come as no surprise when in November he called to tell me he had went on several dates with a girl. However, the news broke me down. My first love was moving on. It couldn't be real. The man I spent the last 32 months with was dating again. Like I said, I knew it was coming, but I guess you can never really prepare for that moment.
So, present day, Feb 2010, what is the status of Jim and I? Best friends. Since our break up, we talk every day. I mean, not just surface stuff like the weather. We have long talks about life. Where we wanna go, what we want to accomplish, how to get there, who we want along for the ride. In 5 of our talks in the last few months, him and I have cried together. He said something to me that has really stuck with me: "I will always be here for you Leah, day or night. Even through future girlfriends and boyfriends, no one will ever take your place. I promise you". And I believe him. Some people don't understand how one can stay so close to their ex, and all I have to say about that is "I can't explain it. But it's the way it was meant to be. There is no awkwardness or tension. In fact, our bond has grown since the break up. You might not understand, and that's ok. Because we do, and we're the only two that need to."
I am getting quite tired so I will end here for tonight. Good night world <3
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